byhillary

Hey guys,

Yeah so I have mentally written this at least a dozen times over the past three weeks. I don't even know what to say.

I quit. I just one day decided I had enough and I shut it down. Pulled the whole damn thing down, the twitter and Facebook for this site. I ripped the band-aid off. It is the way I like to do things usually. I don't like to drag things out or prolong the inevitable. Cold turkey it. I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I didn't plan on explaining why to anyone other than my husband. (Mom included. Sorry mom.) I felt I owed no one any explanation. It was my blog, my words, my time I could do with it what I wanted. Some people were super nice and sent me an email and others were, quite frankly, rude. Assuming I blocked them. I don't know why it said invite only apparently that is what blogger says when you private a site. There were no invitations I was the only one who could see it. (And from my end I couldn't see what others saw) My inner surly teenager didn't understand why I had to explain my actions. Funnily if anyone approached it gently I probably would of told them.

The reason I quit is because I am an asshole. I am a bully, I say horrible things and pick on... myself. Dude I have been mentally beating the shit out of myself. Every photo I posted I would go back and obsess over and see every single little fault and I waited for someone to point them out. To call me out as a fraud and that I shouldn't be blogging to begin with. I have a good life. I have the most adoring husband who thinks I hung the moon. I have a job I am good at. I have some kickass friends. I have a nice home. I have money in the bank, kittens in my bed and a belly full of food. Why am I beating the shit out of myself? I don't know. That is why I quit. I thought if I stopped posting the photos I would stop doing it. I didn't. It didn't change. In fact I'd say it got a little worse. I don't know what changed. I don't know why I am so harsh on myself. I have always been my own worst critic. No matter what bad thing you may think about me and there are those out there that think plenty bad about me. Doesn't matter I say things 10 times worse to myself. But it went from a little thing here and there to EVERYTHING. I could do no right in my mind. Everything I did was another chance to obsess how I did it wrong.

And you know what? I missed the blog. I don't miss posting photos of myself. I miss the people, I miss sharing with others even those who just come by to roll their eyes. Those who are just being peeping toms. I missed having a outlet for my mental ramblings.

I don't think I will ever get back to daily outfit posting. I don't know if I ever will post one again but haven't I always said "THIS IS NOT A FASHION BLOG"?

What changed my mind? I got a letter from a friend. I was frankly shocked someone cared enough to say the things that were said. He offered to buy byhillary.com so if I ever decided to come back he wanted me to have the option because he knew there was more I had to say. I didn't know what to think. It seriously left me speechless. I didn't think anyone other than Dave really cared what I had to say. I didn't miraculously develop self esteem from it but it did make me rethink my thinking.

I am a work in progress but I would like to offer my apology for leaving the table without excusing myself. My mum raised me better than that.

Thank you for reading.