jealousy is just love and hate at the same time

You've heard some of this before but I myself am only starting to GET IT. I've been wavering on the whole blog business for months. My photos are just crap lately. (one of the reasons this really bugs me goes back to self esteem. I feel great, see photos HATE it and get down on myself despite feeling awesome before I saw them. Bad lighting and out of focus isn't the real me but it still gets me down) I don't know when or where to take pics. Work is out of the question and now that I commute it isn't as easy outside with Dave working different hours. EXCUSES. All those excuses tell me just give it up because obviously if my heart was in it I wouldn't have an excuse. I don't like to give anything half ass effort. BUT then it dawned on me what if this was just a more casual fun thing like it USED TO BE. I don't need to stand in a field with my fancy camera. That isn't me, plus living in the city it is hard to find an abandoned building and parking lot to pose in. So this is me proclaiming I don't care to pretend to be fancy. I'm not. My purse is messy, I hang things inside out (but I do hang them!) I don't fold my things before I put them in drawers (I do with linens though oddly) I proclaim things like "Tonight is wear the most wrinkled pjs you can find in your drawer night" and appoint myself winner.

All those shiny happy blogs are awesome. I've said it before. I just don't know how to be that person. I always forget part of my lunch on the counter at home, I misplace my phone 4 times a day, I never remember to charge my camera, I wander around the office looking for an earring or pen I lose during the day. I can't be trusted to water my plants at work. (I've been forbid from doing it actually) I forget things. OFTEN. So often I have notes of EVERYTHING I do at work. I am known for my binders of random tabbed notes.

My desk at right this moment ONE of my binders and my to do list from yesterday. ( I keep them in a notebook and put at date at the top of the page so I can go back and see when I did something if I have to. I also take it to all meetings so I have it all right there in one place and I tab it when an important topic was discussed I know I will need later)



If I don't write it down I forget. (sadly it is a side effect of a med I took. At least that is my theory)
I am just not that together fancy cool chic person! But I am OK with that, now I am at least. I like my odd ways most the time. But that doesn't mean I am not jealous of those people. (see title)

Though on my plus side I do take care of my belonging. I shine my shoes, I iron (technically I have things ironed because I don't "do it right" but I still don't go out in wrinkled clothes, I even have him crease my pants) I keep my purses in their dust bags, I put things away, I organize my stuff and label EVERYTHING. My DVDs are organized by type and how recently I watched them.

All that said here are some looks from the past few days.


Dress Ann Taylor Loft, Hoodie American Eagle, Boots Clarks, Ring Charlotte Russe?






Here you can't even see the outfit. But wait I have one you can see the outfit but my head had been replaced by a heart, those 6:30am shadows were not my friend.



Blazer Forever 21, Jeans American Eagle (old!) shoes Clarks, Shirt H&M, Scarf Affordablescarves.com



Totally over exposed but my hair looks nice at least!

Basically for my own sanity, I am not going to try and be polished because when I do I see everything wrong. But if I approach it as a casual oh here is just me on my phone then I hope to break this terrible self deprecating cycle I have got into. It isn't healthy and I know that.

Now to end on a up note!

 

I turn around for 5 seconds to put a shirt on and I find this.



Daisyboo is so chill and dignified and doesn't act out (often, almost never) and doesn't cuddle unless it is on her terms. She usually is a black blob in photos. That doesn't mean I love her less. I love her more most days. (You hear that Miss Waffle McButterpants) but once and awhile she sits still enough with enough light on her that you can see her!