Tuesday with more emotions
Shirt Ann Taylor (silk wrap shirt, What?? I wore a green wrap shirt yesterday? huh. yeah what can I say)
Black "all about shoes length pants" Gap
Shoes Filenes? They are over 5 years old as Filenes is long gone and torn down. I don't buy kitten heels. I don't think they look good on anybody, I find them very unflattering. Just a preference. I think they are silly and even now wearing them I feel ridiculous. Although I do love the kid leather flowers with a passion.
Necklaces Mark by Avon
Earrings Made by my husband. I noticed in these pics I had one on and spent the next 10 min retracing my steps on the top floors of my building. A coworker found it 10 feet from my desk.
Tank Old Navy
This morning on my way to Dunkin Donuts (that was diverted to starbucks) a guy I took classes with when I was in grad school and works in my building said "want me to jump off the stairs" I had no idea what he was talking about and when he repeated it I realized he was referring to my photos lately. I am extremely shy person and just him saying this put me in that shy place. I wanted to run back to work and close my flickr account. I had someone comment last year they had seen me on the T. I went friends and family that same week and that was one the big catalysts (not main reason but it was part of it) I know this guy and hell we were in school for photography together but sometimes I think I am doing this to no one and no one is paying attention to me. (only child syndrome? I was not center of attention I have always been the other end, the loner)
So today when up doing these I had to find 3 spots before I was comfortable to do it and even then was panicked the entire time someone might find me. A lot of the time I think no one pays attention to me. I am the person the greeters never say hi to in a store, sales people over look, people cut in line, opinion isn't asked. I am not a doormat. I am quite the opposite but still this stuff happens to me more often than not. I joined remix and blogging in hopes to build my ego and feel better about who I am, become more confidant. Lately I find the opposite happening. Days when I get 2 comments I am almost in a state of despair and wonder WHY don't they like my picture today? Do I look stupid? Why did they like the ill fitting dress but not this nice outfit? This is not sane thinking I am aware. So something has to change. i am just not sure yet what.
I do know some people do actually read this. I have a tracker and I know people who know me read it religiously. Yet it bothers me that they never comment. (I know you can't win with me!) I just want a healthy balance of the two I guess. I don't want my family watching my life and never commenting but I freak out if an acquaintance is watching for fear they will confront me in life or judge me. (I guess I don't care if family judges me because I assume they are but if you don't know me than I care. You got to know me before its ok to dislike me!) I don't want to stop sharing but I am way more conscious of what I put out there.
Note this is not a pity party, no invitations were sent out. This is my outlet.
Comments
But as far as commenting....I do read all your posts, but I honestly just don't comment on every blog post I read. I mean, you can look totally adorable, but if there's not something specific that strikes me that I want to comment on, I usually just don't leave a comment. Not because I don't like your outfit or your post, but because "love this outfit!" day after day would get boring!
Kelly I don't tell anyone I know in real life about my blog save for one or two people. Mom, husband and one friend. Others have found it though. Husband knows because he designed it! But he didn't read it for years unless I said DID YOU READ IT. Then last year I wised up and set him to email notifications!
Fist of all, hi! I'm one of your quiet (ok, really quiet) readers. I love your blog and you're part of my morning "Google Reader" routine. (Man I love that little application.) Anyway, I really feel compelled to say something today. I think that what you're doing is very brave and admirable, but I can also see how putting yourself out there like that can be a source of anxiety. I mean... this blog is about you. One of the reasons I like your blog so much is the little bits of personality you inject into every post. It's not *just* about what you wear, even though that's how I initially found your site.
I'm also a blogger, but I write about music. I put my opinions out there (and occasionally some personal thoughts), but it's not as revealing. I did, at one point, have a completely personal blog that I kept up for nearly a year. I didn't care WHO read it... At first. I realized that I was giving the negative people in my life ammunition against me. And they were SO quick to use it. Unfortunately, I think those people are going to exist for everyone. I really think you should be proud of yourself for what you're doing. You're beautiful, have a great sense of style, and are doing something that Mr. Stairs would probably never do. Be proud that these people are reading. Good, bad, or indifferent. Heck, I'm proud of you and I don't even know you! :)
I think technology makes us a bit lazy. I find myself checking all the blogs in the morning, my facebook page, myspace, twitter... but I rarely take the time to pick up the phone and call an old friend to catch up. I'm thrilled to follow their lives around virtually, though. It's weird! Sometimes I hate it. You're not the first blogger that's made some comments lately about blog "lurkers", especially those people we know in real life. I hadn't ever really had it put in perspective for me. I just thought I was quietly catching up!
I really hope you continue to post and share your thoughts and outfits, but I also hope you find a place that's mentally comfortable to you. There are always going to be the moments where you feel 10 feet tall, and those that frustrate you. I hope the good outweighs the bad.
:)
Thank you! It really is the people I know who lurk that get my goat. Mostly family related. (ok all family related)
I appreciate what you say and know I suffer from the same thing at times. Not 5 minutes after I posted this my oldest dearest friend in the world (after my husband of course, who has yet to comment :P) she emailed me because we have fallen into the digital friendship roles.
Also after reading your comment I instantly checked your profile and saw you were a 29 year old libra (30 yr old libra here) and instantly though FIGURES! Libras tend to put themselves out there but at the same time have a vulnerability to them (Not that I read up on these things, no not me)
all in all: i feel you.
By the way, your 50's type photos are simply adorable!
What is hubby? I've got a Gemini... Hah! :)
It is kinda funny though that he remembered your pics! too funny, but they are unique.
i feel the same way often, though. i fear people in real life finding my blog or twitter but i don't know why i care, i'm not posting anything secretive.